Writing & Living
First, I don’t think I'm very qualified to have a say about this topic. It’s sort of like asking someone with shoestring and duct-tape how to engineer a jet. Like, well, let me show you the tensile strength of layering tape! Also, I hate HATE talking about my kids or parenting on the internet. Truly the worst experience on the planet. But for you. . .for you, I’ll share. There are so many of you who message me and respond to stuff about trying to write and balance working and parenting, that it’s worth sharing whatever helps me. It feels like we are truly all in it together. I will say, I don’t believe you can really balance anything, you simply change out the weights fast enough to keep everything important from crashing. (Or crashing all at once). If it all feels rather Sisyphean, well, I think that’s normal and possibly even integral to success.
To remind you of the details: I have a 14yo, 12yo, 10yo, and 1yo. I am a full time brand and content strategist for a DTC e-commerce company (but have been a construction worker, a stay-at-home mom, and worked multiple jobs to make ends meet). I am repped by Patrice Caldwell of New Leaf Literary Agency, and author of novels, both published and forthcoming. For anyone struggling to survive and create, here’s how I have chosen to handle things:
Scene #1: You’re standing at the top of the stairs. There are no clean clothes and it’s the time you typically do all the laundry. But this is also the only time you will have today to write. You stare at your computer, with one foot hesitating on the top stair. Writing or Laundry?
Key: Think to yourself “how much art is lost to the world to laundry”, get justifiably enraged.
Never have I ever regretted skipping a chore for writing. Not in the moment, not on recall. Never. It is sometimes tempting to think “well my art is not important enough” but that’s not what I mean, I mean art in general. The art of caregivers, the art of the poor, the art of the oppressed. How much has been lost to the tedium of survival—laundry, overtime to make rent, exhaustion, bathrooms that need cleaned, second jobs, etc. And so my leaving the bathroom uncleaned or the laundry unfolded or the bed unmade is not an act of slovenly disregard on my part but an act of existential rebellion against all the things in the world that would have us not create. The act of creation, after all, is an act of reflecting God in us. Chores—no matter how much the evangelicals and capitalism told me was my true fucking meaning—is a reflection of the Fall, of having to constantly shore up survival. Remember, Adam and Eve didn’t have to toil in the dirt until after. A life focused on work, on chores, is a life that looks only at the dirt, at the mortal, at the sin. A life that beholds creation is looking to the heavens.
Practically: If you have big kids, assign them to do the (insert chore) that day—don’t feel guilty, families pitch in for everyone, that’s what it means to live in community. I often tell my older kids exactly why “I’m writing, this is very important to me, I need your support. . .” and of course when given the chance, I will show reciprocity to them, even if it’s so they can finish a match in Rocket League, lol. If you have small kids, 80% of the time choose the writing! (Or pick through the pile and do one single load of the most important things, don’t fold it and don’t apologize.) All clean laundry and clean houses do is get dirty again anyway.
Scene #2: You are trying to write, but the house is chaos and it’s 4pm. Teenagers and toddlers alike are in their witching hour, dinner must be made, and everything, I mean everything is trashed. You plan to take a break for dinner and bedtime, but it’s not time. Only, everyone and everything is demanding your attention.
Key: Flow not schedule.
I really do think the key to the entire endeavor is having a flow not a schedule. I’m a very regimented, orderly person that struggles with change, transitions and disruptions (it’s the ‘tism) so my ultimate brain hack is that I live in a world where I tell myself “the plan is to be flexible”. I don’t know why but planning to have everything go haywire, to have to think on my feet and problem-solve along the way allows my brain to accept the chaotic needs of four kids and a day-job. One of the ways I “plan” for chaos is by thinking of my day as a flow, not a schedule. I have grounded points—this kid has to be on the bus by x, this kid by y, I workout at z because baby naps at k—but those are like pylons staked on the bank to orient me. This means my writing time is built into the flow, no matter how turbulent the water, the river is going to flow the same direction past “writing time”. For me this is early morning and evening.
Practically: This is your flow and the only way to truly handle it is to read the river each day. Some days if that scene is the situation at 4pm, I leave instructions for chores and go to my room; somedays I close my computer and make use of the time to do extra chores. It’s not even dependent on how my writing is going—sometimes writing is going great so I think I can afford the time, sometimes it’s terrible, so I think a break might help anyway. The plan is to be responsive to your needs and that day. Sometimes I need the house to be clean to think anyway.
Scene #3: You’re in the thick of it—it’s the holiday season at work, kids in three different schools, a toddler at home while you work, and a book that’s due. There’s so much going on that you have to fight the urge to lay down in your pajamas and do nothing all day because you’re so overwhelmed. (cough cough)
Key: Don’t sacrifice your self-care.
I mean it. It took me so long to figure out that I was not working any faster to stop showering, working out, eating, or going on my daily walks. The scene I described above is literally where I’m at, and there is the temptation to take the baby to the gym and sit in the lobby to write or work on my day job instead of working out. It seems logical! But in my experience, it has diminishing returns. For one week, yes, I’d do that. But no longer than one week? No. Under duress, the trick is to cut back on things that extend you, not refill you.
some of us workout for aesthetics and some of us work out so we don’t k!ll ourselves!!!
Practically: Working out refuels me. Social media extends me. Cut social media, keep going to the gym. My daily walks refuel me, watching television does not. Cut the TV, keep the walks. It’s those kinds of trade offs, I am ruthless about. Last year, I drove each kid to school, but this year I put them all on the bus as an act of self-care. Other things I do during a super intense time is paying for extra childcare (jk, I wish, but if you can I would!), asking my older children for additional support, and keeping the most important things at the top of the list (doing what pays the mortgage, kids, then writing, let’s be real).
Scene #4: You’re halfway through writing/revising but everything is moving so fast you can’t remember what you’re even writing anymore. In your inbox are emails from people “just checking in to see if you got my last email” and kids are arguing over who’s turn it is to do the dishes and whether or not the last person who did them was up to snuff. You’re about to lose your last brain worm.
Key: Automate!!!!
Overstimulation aside (that’s all overstimulating to me), I automate as much of the day to day as I can so I can free up my thinking. My kids chores are all assigned and the tasks are broken out and written on the white board. I also make their chores fit our family. Right now, I need someone to watch the baby while I cook dinner, I need the kitchen cleaned afterward, and I need to spend time with my kids. So one kid watches the baby and one kid is the sous chef and all three of them clean. My baby/toddler goes to bed at the same time every single night. I answer emails as they come in or a weekly email clearing on Friday’s, nothing in between. I automate and streamline literally everything I can. I used to work in manufacturing, where I was introduced to the concepts of Kaizen, Lean, and Root Cause Analysis, which is all about streamlining processes and is literally my favorite thing on the planet. Before I knew what it was, I did root cause analysis on my home all the time—why is this area always a mess, what happens to make it that way, what’s the root cause of this happening and what can I do to disrupt the root cause and resolve the problem? Part of the reason I don’t have a lot of stuff is because I determined early on that having a lot of stuff was the root cause of having to spend a lot of time maintaining stuff, something I don’t like to do!
Practically: Train your kids for chores, automate your work tasks, build in check-points to catch the stuff that falls through the cracks, find a system that works for you—Bullet Journal, Goblin Tools, Notion, your Calendar—whatever you use, make it your true source. I use a bullet journal, but I’ve learned I need to put everything in my phone calendar as well. Make it all work for you, and if it doesn’t, move on and try something else. I don’t follow any “rules” about bullet journals, for example, I literally just use it the way it works for me and it changes all the time. For my work social media, I use a basic Canva whiteboard for planning—no fancy software needed! Train your kids to do chores, to feed themselves, to speak up about their needs, to have their own flows and routines.
Two different examples each of tracking progress in my writing, keeping track of work, and my daily flow. You can also see my essays often start as notes to myself through the course of my day
I recently asked each kid what food they would eat for dinner always, like something I could keep in the house that they reliably would make and eat for themselves. One kid answered spaghetti and Parmesan cheese, one said ramen and one said cheese and bread. So now I keep all those things in the cupboard that way when I don’t have the time or energy to make dinner, everyone is already cared for and able to fix themselves something without even asking me a single question.
Other Notes & Suggestions:
One thing that makes it easier for me in this season is that we do not do youth sports. All my kids have played sports or done activities, but in my opinion they are better served truly “playing” and being bored than they are in constant structured activities. That’s just me and them, but I recognize how much time youth sports take and I can’t really give suggestions like “write during their practice” because I truly don’t have any idea what that looks like.
Another thing is that this style of parenting (encouraging independence, expecting older children to contribute, etc) is reflective of my values as a parent anyway. Even if I was not needing to balance so much, this is how I personally am going about raising children. I’m very much invested in us all growing together. In my opinion, family is the first community and it’s important to me that they learn how to care for themselves and each other, recognize and advocate for their needs and interests, and grow, not just as individuals but members of a collective. I am also aware when I’m asking for more than they “should” have to give, and I try to pay them in some kind for their extra labour.
A big privilege I have is that I work from home and I do not have things like keystroke monitoring or managers. (I have the full responsibility of part of the company though, so like, no one should be monitoring at that level, the numbers are enough accountability!) So I can batch work intuitively for my workflow. If I can’t get to stuff during the day, I can do it at night. I don’t do that often, but having the flexibility does help a lot. Most days I start work at 8am and end at 4pm.
Finally, if you have young children especially, have one room in your house that is contained, comfortable, and safe to ignore them in. I cannot stress this enough! I’ve always depended on having one room where I can sit and write and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, I have to pay attention to. I can let the baby/toddler just bop around with some strewed toys. Between this and the most painfully annoying child programming (Miss Rachel or Cocomelon), you can get a solid 45 minutes of work done during the day!
Other Random Tips For Creative Working Parents of Young Children:
The strict 7pm bedtime is for you. The time spent making that child figure out seven is the end of their day, the easier your entire life is going to be.
Take walks when you need to think but can’t get any peace at home. Strollers for little ones. Balance bikes for the big toddlers. Wagons. Snacks. Baby carriers. Literally anything to get that peace for yourself. It’ll make you a better writer and a better parent. It’s also super regulating, especially for special needs/easily disregulated children (and parents haha).
It doesn’t feel like a lot, but being able to work during those quiet evening or morning hours (whichever you can get, I try for both but usually only get the evening) are so precious and truly add up. Don’t get discouraged! I wrote a whole book this year in the evening, bleary-eyed and exhausted.
Try trading off weekend days with your co-parent. It allows us both time to fully recharge and do what we love. This has really helped me over the last year. We’ve also done spurts of one hour on and one hour off when things get really stressful.
Have an emergency toy/snacks and the emergency is your fucking brain.
One tip for bigger kids is that I often go for a walk while they do their chores. They know what they are supposed to do, so it’s just stressful for me to watch them do it like little human rube-goldberg machines. I assign the tasks, clearly state my expectations, tell them the amount of time I’ll be gone, then abscond. 99% of the time come home to everything done and calm and I did not have to witness a single shred of the chaos to get there.
One Last Note:
At any event where I’m speaking, please know that your child is absolutely welcome. It is so isolating to be a parent, especially a female caregiver, and any chance you can to get out and interact is important! Babies and children not only belong in public society, they are public society.
Let me know if this helps!